A Slacker* Looks At 40 (From 46) - Honey, Where Are The Kids?
About three months before I turned forty, I went out to lunch with a group of coworkers from what had not yet become the Vortex of Doom. As is often the case with my work groups, thanks to my so-called career in and around accounting, I was one of only two men at a table of ten people. I'm used to this. It's nice. So when the topic of conversation turned to children, I was neither surprised nor unhappy. I love kids, and I know that it's generally a good idea to let the people around you talk about what they want to talk about.
One of my newer coworkers asked me the question I had known would eventually come my way.
"Do you have children, Joe?"
It's such a simple question, and yet so very loaded. It needn't be, but it is. Before I go any further, please know that I am fully aware of the intensity of people's feelings on this subject. Volumes of books, research studies, advice columns and websites, television and cinema and blog after blog after blog have been - and are still being - produced on the subject of what follows.
"Nope."
Oh, if only we could say "nope" and be done with it. It usually helps to say "No, how about you," but she had just been talking about her kids, so that wasn't an option, this time. Naturally, her follow-up question was immediate.
"Are you and [Maris] planning on having children?"
I'm aware, thanks in part to [Maris]'s sharing of hundreds of stories and discussions from Etiquette Hell, that to some people, just being asked this question is bile-inducingly offensive. I am not one of those people. I know that 99% of the time, it really is simply conversation.
"Nope."
Here's where it gets a little dicey. Sometimes - okay, once - I've managed to change the subject and derail the question train. That was not to happen on this day. In my experience, there are two ways this will go. If my questioner is boundary-sensitive, or perhaps a man, the next thing I hear will be some (usually lighthearted) quip about how I'm not getting any younger, and "better hurry up and get started." Again, many people find horrible offense in that stuff. I don't. But, more times than I can count, my questioner has taken the other route.
"Why aren't you having children?"
Sometimes, you can actually hear the judgement in this question. The urge to jump up and say "None of your business! Why do you [something outrageously personal and intrusive]???" is almost overpowering, when I hear that judgemental tone. That was not the case, this time around, but what I did hear was if anything just ever so slightly more unsettling. My coworker, whom I still didn't know very well, was UPSET that I wasn't going to be a parent. It was as if I had told her that I had cancer, or a loved one had just passed away. It actually hurt her feelings that I wasn't going to have children. I know this is an extreme reaction. I had never seen it, and haven't since, but it haunts me still.
Now, I know I'm a blogger and we're supposed to be all about over-sharing and whatnot, but this post is already longer than I'd like it to be, and this topic is huge, so I'm going to withhold any serious sharing of my reasons for not having children, for now. I will say that they are numerous and thoughtfully, exhaustively-explored. So meanwhile, go ahead and assume anything you like, on a spectrum from "I can't have kids and it breaks my heart every waking minute" to "I'm a selfish, immature asshole." We'll return to the topic when and if I'm good and ready.
I will share [Maris]'s response to the "WHY NOT?" question, which is "Because I don't want them." But there's is also no shortage of fun to be had with people too interested in one's procreation decision:
"The judge said no."
"Because [Maris] is human and I'm, um, not, and we're just not, you know, compatible. Here - let me show you... Where are you going?"
"Because robots can't have babies."
"Because we're allergic."
"Because we still have stuff to talk about."
"Because she's hot, and we don't want to ruin her."
"We'd love to, but there's this old witch who years ago gave us a win over the cowboys in exchange for our firstborn."
"Because we drink."
"Because we drink enough already."
"Because the mere thought of being pregnant and/or giving birth makes [Maris] want to vomit and cry and hide under the bed for a week."
"Because they talk through Nats games and other important events."
"Because without sleep, we would undoubtedly murder them."
"It's a matter of national security, and that's all we're authorized to say at this time."
"Because clearly we are horrible, horrible human beings."
"To stand in glorious judgement of your decision to have them. Obviously."
I could go on, and I've actually forgotten some of my more amusing and/or biting retorts, so I'll stop here.
Watch for future posts in which we tackle the unwieldy subjects of "Seriously, why?" and "you'll change your mind," and the inevitable tangential discussion of hurtful judgmentalism in general. Someday, I might even talk about how close I came to becoming a parent with my first wife, when two miscarriages stepped in to say no. Yeah. How about that? It might get all kinds of emotional, up in here!
Until then, I remain,
Uncle Joe (the best uncle in the whole wide world)
*And no, I'm not really a slacker. I really do love the word, though.
Comment
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Comment by Joe Scott on March 29, 2013 at 8:58pm -
Thank you, Stacey! I do have one more "comeback." It's actually [Maris]'s, and she hasn't gotten to use it in years. Parents (or people planning on becoming parents) would tell her "You'll change your mind - hope it's not too late" and she'd go "Really? Are YOU going to change YOUR mind?" Okay, she was too nice to say it out loud, but she really wanted to.
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Comment by Stacey Rogers on March 25, 2013 at 4:05pm -
Thanks for sharing, Joe. I have to say, as a single mother of two budding teenagers...I envy the childless aunts and uncles! I also find that other people's kids like me so much better than my own. I also am offended for you and your partner [Maris]. Some people just have no filter! I would love to be the one to come up with a really rude and sarcastic comeback for them that offends them and their personal choices. Like, "who told you that you should have children?" probably not as witty, but something that would make them step back and realize how rude they are!
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Comment by Joe Scott on March 13, 2013 at 10:40pm
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Thanks Lisa. I've read that child-free aunts and uncles are often the favorites, and that seems to have proven true for me and [Maris] and one of my brothers. And I must say, the procreation decision - and others' opinions of it - were always a much bigger issue for [Maris] than for me. She reminds me, when it comes up, how unfair that is.
Also, I actually used the "we can't have kids because the judge ordered us not to" response once, and this earnest young coworker, presumably due to a malfunctioning sarcasm detector, just stared at me, trying to process just what we did to earn such a court order. I let him wonder for a few hours, but it began to consume him, so I relented and explained that it was a joke.
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Comment by Lisa Thomson on March 13, 2013 at 7:09pm -
Great post, Joe. It just goes to show you how nosy people are. We question those who make different choices than our own and we have no business doing it! I love your response list. Sweet. People without kids were always the nicest ones to me when I was growing up.
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Comment by Joe Scott on March 11, 2013 at 8:55pm
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Thanks Charlotte!
Update from [Maris] - Now that we're both well into our (ahem) forties, her present crop of coworkers doesn't even really discuss this issue with her. So what they do is assume that because she has no kids, that she hates children and all parents. WHAT?? We don't have a dog, either. Does that mean we hate dogs and anyone who owns one? ::FACEPALM::
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Comment by Charlotte Klein on March 11, 2013 at 2:12pm
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I'm actually offended FOR you. People really need to mind their business where this is concerned. You're not looking to upset anyone with your decision and you're certainly not doing it to prove a point, but it's a decision best left to the couple in question and no one should have the right to question that. But I know they do anyway.
In any event, I absolutely LOVE your responses and do hope you are using them when appropriate :) Also, sometimes it's just a lot more fun to be the cool aunt/uncle :) Great post!
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Comment by Joe Scott on March 10, 2013 at 4:56pm
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@Aimee - I'm full of foul obnoxiousness, but so far I've allowed only hints of that on my blog. It's tricky, because these elements are at war with my warm, fluffy, panda-loving side. A luta continua, I suppose.
@Marie - It's that whole "you're different and that means you're judging me" thing that bothers me. Don't be genuinely sad that I'm making what you see as a mistake. Don't be disgusted with me, either. It fascinates me to no end that society still eschews "I'm OK, you're OK," in favor of "I'm OK, you're shit." And the procreation choice is just one of countless examples of this phenomenon. It's probably too big for me to take on and remain civil, just now, so I think I might have to write about some weird hoboes with hearts of gold, for a while...
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Comment by Marie Nicole on March 10, 2013 at 1:24pm -
Under the influence from watching Shameless *spoiler alert* I'd now have to say "The doctors warned me the baby would never come out of my girl penis." I still have that painful discussion with sheer utter strangers, always the strangers who feel the need to tell me what I should do. And then I get angry because they are so clueless as to why I don't have any so yeah... I feel your pain. I share your pain. And I would gladly jump on a plane and talk to your co-workers. Not sure if the airline will allow me to bring pitchforks on the plane, I hear they've increased their leniency on luggage...
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Comment by Aimee on March 9, 2013 at 8:41pm -
Stick around long enough and you will find that I laugh in the face of controversy. Some would say I am nothing if not foul. Others would say I am nothing if not obnoxious. The truth is, I am quite foul and obnoxious. Look at it this way- Always write the truth, your truth. Be real, be honest. Anyone who is offended by your truths is not someone you would befriend in real life, so why bother with them on your blog? Plus, neutral blogging for fear of offending one's audience just takes too much damn work. And it's boring.
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Comment by Joe Scott on March 8, 2013 at 8:58pm
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Thanks for the kind words Tara and Aimee. This is my first semi-serious foray into potentially controversial territory (at least as far as my readers are concerned), so I feared a firestorm. I LOVE that can think/feel/say the things you said, Aimee, and still parent Accident1 and Accident2 successfully. That said, it will never cease to astound me how much offense people can take at others' choices. Oh well - people are people, or something.
BTW - [Maris] and I are totally going to steal your "sign of the cross" circumambulation of the baby aisle. I expect [M] will add an audible "hiss" as we go. But first, I'll have to explain to her the existence of baby aisles.
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