I woke up one day to the epiphany that I am not living the life I was born to live. I served my family, my bosses, my jobs, my clients, my very large body every inch of energy I could, but at the end of the day I did nothing to serve me. Don’t misread the intent; I did not have a bad life, I just did not have my own life.
My life now may seem very selfish, I know to my children it does. I stopped making them the center of my universe, without warning. I changed my own path and trajectory. I do for myself now. I publish myself. Not one person answers to my blog but me.
And it changed everything.
There was a time when the blogging was new that it took over my life. It became my obsession. No one in the house really respected it. The blog led to huge fights and almost a divorce. Until I finally stood up for me, my little blog and this world I create here. I had to tell my Loving Husband Raynard, “I am willing to leave you over this, it means that much. I can be your wife, but I have to be this too. I have to be this, because this is who I was meant to be. This is the girl I smothered with donuts to make the world neat for everyone else.”
The telling of my little stories means I have come back into my own. It gave me a purpose that belongs only to me and my alter ego Sadie. Sadie is the voice I stifled all my life. I have always had a quick tongue that angered my parents, my teachers, my brothers, my peers. I gave Sadie a blog and permission to speak freely. People loved her. Sadie helped me grow as a writer and a story teller.
When Loving Husband and I talk about the things we need to accomplish during the week, our lists are the very mundane details of our lives, but “I have to write this week” is always on the list. And when that day comes, Loving Husband Raynard is respectful of the time and the art now. I can hear him from the other room protecting me from the children’s wishes of another glass of water, “Mom is writing, don’t bug her. What do you need?”
The blog has made me brave in a way I would have never been. I do things I would never do, just for the story that might present itself.
I make lists of things that scare me now-- just to cross them off and tell the story. I make lists of things to do-- for the joy of hearing the inner monologue that runs in my head. I talk to people I would never talk to. I read other bloggers to connect, gain perspective or just laugh with them.
I take pride in the fact that I have done it for three years. I know a lot of people who have started a blog and kept it up for a month or two, only to discover the work in it. I get to count the victory every time I publish.
I take pride and joy in every accomplishment and minor recognition. This blog world is completely mine and I am free to revel in it.
I guess my point is letting Sadie live gave me a whole new life. The life I was meant to live. Sadie will do and say things I would never do or say. When I want to accomplish something that I may fear, I just let Sadie take over. She’s a girl who knows how to get shit done and there is usually a pretty good story in it.
So, do you let your Sadie shine?